Lammayan Foot And Mouth Disease

Ministry Of Lammayan Health is issuing a warning to all Lammayans and friends that an outbreak of Lammayan Foot And Mouth Disease is imminent if parents and guardians continue to allow their Lammayan Brats to walk, crawl, climb, and smear their spit all over the chairs on ferries.

Be a responsible parent or guardian. The chairs are for people to sit on. They are not playground toys. Would you allow your children to wear dirty shoes and jump up and down all over your bed, pillows, and sofa in your own home? Would you teach your children to wipe their mouths and hands on your sofa or bed? Why would you allow your children to do that on the ferries? Do you not have any respect for other passengers?

Parents and guardians who allow such irresponsible and disrespectful behaviours may be showing early symptoms of Lammayan Foot And Mouth Disease, which include anti-social behaviour, sociopath tendency, and delusion of grandeur. If they do not seek early treatment, men will eventually suffer from erectile dysfunction and impotency while women will have excessive facial hair and haemorrhoids.

Be a responsible parent or guardian and teach your child not to use the ferry chairs as play toys. Use a clean cloth and wipe the chairs and apologize to the other passengers.

The Ministry has just concluded a meeting with the Ministry of Ferry Services which now confirms such unruly behaviours of the Lammayan Brats and the lack of discipline by their parents or guardians constitute willful damage to public properties. Every year the Ministry of Ferry Services has to spend money on repairs of chair upholsteries and handles caused by such unruly behaviours, running up a high overhead cost resulting in the need to increase the ferry fares.

If you notice such unruly behaviours of the Lammayan Brats, please inform the crew immediately.

Sandyman

Guess what?!? Professor Trelawney was on Lamma! She was taking a short break here to chill and check out our dragon boat races.

Anyway, after the spectacular win at Disco Bay I took Professor Trelawney out for a drink as it was her last night here. Unfortunately, none of the places we went to had any sherry. So I invited her back to my humble abode for some single malt.

After a bottle or two of single malt, I thought I could not possibly let Sybill or Professor Trelawney leave without doing at least a tea reading for Lamma. I know how some of you may feel about the Art of Divination and Professor Trelawney. Yes, it is often quite imprecise and she can be a bit off. But she did get it right a couple of times about the Dark Lord.

So I made some tea and this is what happened:

“No, Lamma has the curse of Sandyman! It is a dark omen. You must warn everybody! I must leave at once.”

“Sybill, wait! Calm down. What is this curse of Sandyman? Who is this Sandyman?” I asked.

“Sandyman is the mistress of the night. She is here. I can feel her presence here. Yes, she is here. Lokkanat, you must warn others. Sandyman will poison from within and turn men against men, women against women, women against men, neighbours against neighbours, and even elves against men. She will destroy this community.”

“Sybill, what should we do?”

“Sandyman is here for revenge. She was here a long time ago. Sandyman, Sandyman, Oh Sandyman!”

Professor Trelawney then went into a trance and she chanted:

“Sandyman Oh Sandyman
Comes knocking on the door
Sandyman Oh Sandyman
With evil never seen before
Sandyman Oh Sandyman
Will poison men and women from the core
Sandyman Oh Sandyman
Shall devour all till we exist no more.”

Normally, I would shrug it off as one of those silly nights drinking with Sybill. But this time I realize there may be some truth to what Sybill said because there is an entry in the Lammayan Chronicles called Sandyman.

I’ll let you know once I have translated the Sandyman entry.

Sandyman ~ Part Two

Sandy noticed her neighbours had such beautiful gardens and she wanted one too. She decided she didn’t want the medicine woman anymore. What she wanted was a gardener.

But first of all she must get rid of the medicine woman. So Sandy went to the village council and accused the medicine woman of sexual harassment. When that did not work according to her plan, she wrote to the Medicine Authority to accuse the medicine woman of sexual harassment and malpractice. In the end Sandy got rid of the medicine woman and Sandy kept the home. The medicine woman was told never to return to Lamma. Out of grief she jumped into the sea and drowned herself.

Once the news of the medicine woman’s death reached Sandy, she quickly put on her best dress and went over to a local florist who owned a beautiful garden up the hill.

“You have such a beautiful garden with all the herbs and colourful flowers. I am such a frail young woman and I never seem to get anything to grow in my backyard. How I wish I could have a garden like yours.”

“If you have a backyard, you should make full use of it. Let me help you.” said the young florist Keung who simply couldn’t take his eyes off her. But Keung’s wife was there and she suspected Sandy was up to no good. So when Sandy had left, she told her husband, “Be careful of that woman. I don’t want you to go help her with her backyard. You can sell her plants and tell her how to look after them. She can come here. Just don’t go near her.”

So every day Sandy went over to talk to Keung. Once she had worked out when Keung’s wife would be out to the village doing errands, she would go visit Keung when his wife was out and she would make sure the wife would see her leave on her way back from errands. Every now and then she would put on a guilty look on her face, adjust her dress deliberately, and very quickly shy away..

Soon people in the village were talking about Keung having fights with his wife and how Keung was spending more time at the local tavern drinking late at night. When the news reached Sandy, she went to the local tavern to console Keung.

That night Sandy took Keung home and that was the beginning of yet another tragic ending.

Sandyman ~ Part Three

Sandy and Keung lived together happily for a few weeks. He would work on his own garden during the day and Sandy’s backyard in the evening.

When Sandy’s backyard garden was almost done, Keung told his wife that he was going to divorce her because he wanted to marry Sandy. His wife cried and cried and begged her husband not to divorce her. But Keung wouldn’t listen. He said, “You can stay here for another week; but I expect you to be gone. Sandy and I would be moving in to live here.”

That evening Keung went to Sandy and told her he had left his wife and he wanted to marry her as soon as his wife moved out. Together they would live and have lots of children.

Now that her backyard garden was almost done, Sandy realized she didn’t really need Keung anymore. She absolutely abhorred the idea of being a gardener’s wife. She must get rid of Keung.

So that night Sandy prepared a lavish dinner with lots of wine. She made sure Keung would get so drunk that he would sleep all night. In the middle of the night, Sandy got up and put on Keung’s clothes and shoes and went over to Keung’s house by the garden. She used an axe and hacked Keung’s wife into pieces. She then went back home and slept with Keung.

Early in the morning neighbours heard a blood-curdling scream. It was Sandy. She came running out of the house screaming for help. “Somebody help me! I got up this morning and I found blood on Keung’s clothes and shoes. We drank so much last night I went to bed early. I think Keung has killed someone! I think he has killed his wife. Last night he kept saying his wife would never bother us again and we could finally get married.”

The village council eventually found Keung guilty of murdering his wife and he was sentenced to death by strangulation. Sandy told villagers it would be too much for her to watch the execution. So she would rather stay home. The villagers all felt so sorry for her.

On the day of the execution when all villagers were in the town square, Sandy was at home giving a final touch to her backyard garden. She then looked at her reflection in the mirror and noticed how she had blossomed and she smiled thinking how gullible and easily manipulated these peasants could be. A few more and she would be all powerful again!

_________________
Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it

Sandyman ~ Part Nine

The wizard and the chief gathered twenty men and women and together they arrived at Sandy’s house when the full moon was high in the sky.

"You will all surround the house evenly and slowly circle around the house. Be sure the house is on the left side. For every step you take, you must chant an ancient spell ‘sa da ba wa’. The spell will make the demon frog reveal her true self. No matter what you hear or what you see, you must not break the chant for all will be lost. Your chief and I will stay here and wait at the front door.”

As soon as the chant began, horrible screams were coming out of the house and the ground shook. All the windows exploded outward and broken furniture and porcelain were thrown out at the chanters.

This went on for a few minutes and then all was quiet.

"Keep chanting! And don’t believe what you hear or see!”

The front door suddenly burst open and there stood Ah Sun holding a sharp knife against Sandy’s throat.

"Please help me. Ah Sun has gone crazy. All this chanting is driving him mad. Help he’s hurting me.”

The wizard reached into his pocket and pulled out a vial. “Reveal your true self!” The wizard then threw the vial onto the ground directly in front of Sandy and Ah Sun, which exploded into a huge green puff.

Sandy screamed and started tearing off her clothes and her skin while Ah Sun simply dropped dead behind her.

Some of the chanters saw a monster half woman and half frog, with patches of human skin still hanging onto the body. Terrified by what they saw, they stopped chanting.

The demon frog or Sandy squirted some acid poison at some of the chanters, instantly killing them. “Your little chant is over, Old Wizard! You have no power over me. You know I cannot be killed.”

"I know. Your curse to walk the earth for all eternity is also your protection. That’s why I am here to offer myself as your companion.”

The Lammayan Chronicles

Here is a rather cryptic poem which may or may not be related to the Lammayan Tigers and the Wizard:

Born of fine ancient breeds
This stud stampedes
With fiery rage
Into this bizarre age

Where the love of man kills
And hatred spills
And floods the earth
With so cold blooded mirth

Where truth misunderstood
Where nothing’s good
And nothing’s right
Yet he bellows not quite

Deep in his dreams
He speeds ‘cross fields and streams
He the king of his day
Has his own way

Subject to none
He wants everything done
Right upon his dictums
When he summons

But darkness comes raging in madness

Rips off his eyes
Cripples his thighs
Swallows his might
Leaving him dying in fright

The day dreams he’s cherished
Have turned into nightmares he loathes

In darkness and in pain
Alone he waits
Till the wizard
Returns to reign again

Story Of Seaman Ha ~ Part One

Once upon a time there was a seaman on Lamma called Seaman Ha. He was quite an ordinary man without much talent except he could steer a boat no matter how rough the sea was. So people on Lamma would always go to Seaman Ha whenever they needed to deliver valuable things to and from Lamma. Seaman Ha delivered all things as long as he got paid.

Then one day he came across a delivery of art work to a prominent family on Lamma. He was told to be extra careful and he would be rewarded handsomely upon safe delivery. On the voyage to Lamma, Seaman Ha got curious and decided to unwrap some of the art work to have a look. It was mainly paintings and a few sculptures.

“This is art?” thought Seaman Ha. “If they could call this art and make a fortune, I should be an artist too.”

So after delivering the art work, Seaman Ha decided he would be an artist. He sold his boat and bought a lot of paint and paper. He started drawing landscape. But no one was buying his paintings. He wondered why.

Seaman Ha was getting depressed and his money was running out. Then he heard a famous artist was going to be in town holding an exhibition. He would go visit the artist and ask for advice. Surely an artist would help out another fellow artist, he told himself.